Real Housewife of Rhinebeck

real world. real housewifery. or something like that.

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Happy Place


Last night I was not in a good space. I had an unmotivational conversation with my mother, was feeling like I’ve done nothing with my life, and wallowing in my brokeness and may
have cried a few times. This morning I still felt rather useless; doing things because I had to not because I wanted to. Then I had to go to my lesson. I realize that no matter how crappy I feel and how little I want to pick myself up off the couch. A trip to the barn always remedies everything.


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Barn vs Babies

Ahhh!! How nice to finally be able to get outside without a coat! I finally got back out and started walking again. It feels good to be out in the fresh air and being active. The roads I walk down are nice and peaceful, hardly any cars and there’s a nice lake I can walk by too. I saw a couple of swans today actually. And it’s not totally flat. There are flat parts, but a few nice rolly hills. It’s nice that I get out of work a little on the earlier side this week and thanks to daylight savings, it’s light out, so I can go out after work. I didn’t go all that far today as it’s my first day back and  T was home sick with a stomach flu and I have a tendency to get shin splints. Maybe my sneakers don’t fit right? Back when I was actually trying to lose weight I would do intervals of walking and jogging. I am not a runner. I never have and never will be, but I can jog for a stretch. I enjoy walking. I like being outside and hearing the birds and peepers and everything.

As much as I would like to try to lose weight, I just want to be healthy and more fit. It will help with my riding and help for pregnancy. My BMI is a little high, so if I could drop a few pounds before I get pregnant I’m sure that means that I could afford to gain more weight during the pregnancy. This is where I get conflicted. Especially at this time of year. It’s nice and wonderful and I just want to be outside. I spent my morning yesterday at the barn. I wasn’t even riding, I was just there, watching others ride, BSing with my trainer and I took my horse for a walk down the driveway. It makes me miss being there. The last few weeks I’ve only been riding once a week because I stopped my share board. Having a self-employed husband with a seasonal business and a winter with no snow all while hoping to build a house makes for a tight winter. I figured I’d stop my share board for a couple of months to help catch up on bills. However, I’ve been going to so many doctor appointments trying to figure out what my issues with my thyroid and allergies are (better to find out before I get pregnant!) and at $40 a co-pay for a specialist, you go through money fast when you have an appointment every week (or at least it feels like it!).

I miss being at the barn regularly during the week. Spring is coming (or here) so show season is coming. I’m on the show committee, so I’m involved with that. I get excited knowing I can ride outside pretty soon and work on all sorts of things. And then I remember we’re going to start trying soon. I want a baby. Believe me I do. I’ve always wanted one (or three) and it took me a long time to say yes I think I’m finally ready. T would have gotten me pregnant on our wedding night if I’d left it up to him. And I wrestled a long time with the fact that I’ll have to stop riding for, I don’t know, a year? I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. And over the last couple months I’ve decided I’m ready. But now the weather’s changing and I wonder how much I will miss. Is that selfish of me? Probably. I just don’t want to lose this part of me. I’ve been riding and at the barn since I was nine years old. I know it will only be maybe a year I won’t be able to ride and I can still be at the barn and visit and be involved, but I worry about afterwards. How am I supposed to balance being a wife, having a child and working full-time and still do something for myself? Not to mention afford, I of course have one of the most expensive hobbies. But it’s not just a hobby. It’s ingrained in me. I can’t imagine my life without it. I am not me without it. But I want a baby. We want a baby. I want to start a family, I want to be able to tell my parents they’re going to have a grandchild and tell my grandmothers they will have a great-grandchild. But I guess I will figure it out. I want my child to have something like that in their life too (hopefully ponies!). I’m always amazed at the woman who do this everyday. I know down the road I’ll figure everything out and it will all fall into place. I just have to bug out about everything up until that point.

For the time being, I can enjoy the wonderful weather and be at the barn as much as I can and take it day by day. I’m sure everything will fall right into place.