Real Housewife of Rhinebeck

real world. real housewifery. or something like that.

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I can’t believe this day is finally here! We’ve been waitinf for this day for five years. Everyone keeps asking if I’m excited. Yes. I’m VERY excited. But I’m also quite anxious. There’s nothing bigger than getting a house. I definitely feel like a grown up now. I’m worried that when it’s all said and done that I’ll feel like it’s too small. When I originally picked out the plans, the house was supposed to be 10 feet longer. That’s a lot of space. That’s like a whole room. I have a hard time visualizing things that aren’t actually there, so hopefully everything turns out the way I expect it to. I also worry that we’ll run out of money. T is doing all of th excavating and foundation, well and septic himself, right in the middle of his busy season. I also worry about him losing his sanity. This is a lot. His buy season is enough to drive a man insane. I mean he litterally works til his fingers bleed. And now we’re throwing building a house into it?

I’m just glad we’re actually getting somewhere. The mortgage application process was very long. We signed our application in February, didn’t get approved until March, fought with my inlaws mortgage company since the title company found a lien on our property that wasn’t ours and it took over a month to get our building permit. So now we’re finally closing. Building this house is something we’ve been talking about before we even got engaged. It’s been a long road for us so I hope everything goes smoothly from here on out. I keep worrying about furnishing it when it’s done. I don’t want a nice, brand new house to only have it be empty. I think I need to look at the big picture and get through it til the end before I worry about that. Although T’s family is already talking about throwing us into the Christmas rotation!

Wish us luck!


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Wow, It’s Been A While…

Wow, it certainly has been a while! I guess I got lazy and life got in the way. I’m currently sitting on a stump watching T dig stumps out with the excavator. We may have been approved but we still haven’t had our closing. This whole process has been a thorn in my side. We had issues with the title search. The idiots at my inlaws mortgage company screwed up the info when they did the subdivision and ended up re-liening our property after T got his original loan. That took numerous calls and heated arguments to fix. Now we’re waiting on the Board of Health the stamp something for the building permits (even though the property has been BoH aproved since the subdivision). But nothing in life is never easy I guess. Silly me thinking I’d be moved in by 4th of July. One can dream I guess. I now have a more realistic goal of October.

On the pregnancy front, we’ve actually officially started trying. No luck as of yet. I had a complete meltdown when push came to shove. I completely freaked out and every fear I could have had got the best of me. My body’s going to change. I might puke my brains out for four months. I can’t ride. Labor is going to be painful. I might be a terrible mother. I cried hysterically and T told me to get over it. Which in turn made me more upset. It took a day or two but I got over it and feel like a normal person about it. Maybe it was going off my pills? I don’t know. That has kind of sucked by the way.

I’m still having my internal dilemma about not being able to ride/being pregnant. My barn just got a new horse today and the show season has begun. I always feel like I’m going to miss out on opportunities. I’ve been trying to read up on riding while pregnant. I see that some people think it’s taboo but they seem to be people who have never been on a horse let alone been riding for 17 years like myself. Some people though seem to ride for quite a while and do all sorts of stuff. I guess I’ll just have to take it as it comes.

Hopefully I can get myself more into the swing of things and be a little more regular with updating. Oopsie.


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The Answer We’ve All Been Waiting For

So after hearing on Friday that the bank had yet to even start looking at our mortgage application, T called me at work this afternoon to tell me that we got approved! He said he wanted to come and tell me in person but that the guy he was waiting for was just showing up. I told him it was probably for the better because I would have created a scene. I actually cried when he told me. This has been a long, long process for us and we weren’t really sure how it would come out. I always knew it would be close, I think in the back of my head I might have even convinced myself it might not happen. But, there’s always a but. They can’t legally give us the amount of money we asked for in the first disbursement, so we will need to restructure how the dispersements get paid out. It makes no difference to me, I don’t care how I get it as long as I get it! Things are finally starting to turn around for us and I can’t wait!!!

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Everything Comes in Threes… Hopefully

So my SIL is pregnant again. (I don’t remember if I mentioned this or not). This will be her third child. Everytime I see her she asks if I’m pregnant yet. Besides wanting a niece or nephew I think she just wants someone to be pregnant with. I realized the other day that during both of her previous pregnancies she had friends that were pregnant at the same time. While part of me thinks it will be great to have someone to commisurate with, part of me wants to be selfish and have all of the attention.

Enter BIL. We just found out that my BIL’s girlfriend is pregnant too. Due exactly a month after my SIL. While I am slightly concerned, I’m actually pretty happy and excited for them. I never thought about my BIL having a baby now, much less before me. He joked that we better hurry up so we can have Novemeber, December, and January babies.

That being said, what kind of pressure does that put on me? I feel like I’m the last one to the party. I think I’m over the part of not being the center of attention (I will be with my family since it will be the first grandchild for my parents). I’m from a small family so I think it will be nice for our kids to have similarly aged cousins to be friends with. I didn’t have that. I have one first cousin. Yes, you read that right. One. He is seven years younger than me and they moved around a lot when we were kids so I didn’t see him much. T, on the other hand, has 22. Or was it 44? We counted once.

But what does that mean for me? Of course it doesn’t have to happen right away. I waited this long for a reason. What if now I’m ready and it doesn’t happen right away? Or course if I think like that it certainly won’t happen. But as the saying goes, things come in threes. But even if it doesn’t, everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.

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You Never Get Over Your First Dog

I just came across this article that someone posted on my facebook. It brought me to complete tears. June will be two years since we put my childhood dog, Pepper, down. Not a single day goes by that I don’t think about him. I miss him all the time.

We got him the day before I started high school. We picked him out from the local shelter. Actually, my mom picked him out. Everyone had picked a different one. He was a cute puppy, scared to death. The first few times we went to visit him before we could take him home he was totally not into it. They had found him in a backyard. Totally neglected, occassionally thrown some food. He was fearful of us. He sat there in the middle of the room, hunched over, hoping we’d just leave him alone. Eventually he warmed up to us and we got to take him home after he got fixed. I was 14 at the time and I was over the moon that we finally had a dog. I am the one who named him. He had a weird black spot on his pink tongue and was black with a white chest and feet. They told us he was a lab mix and had a long snout like a setter. As he got older he grew a longer coat and we realized he was more boarder collie than lab.

He very quickly became one of the family. We used to just sit and watch him sleep. I used to lay next to him on the floor and pet his head and nap with him. High school is a difficult time and he was always there when I needed him. He sat with me when I cried and licked my tears and let me ramble on and on. He would always chase something you threw and had to go on a walk before bed otherwise he wouldn’t go to sleep. No one was ever more excited when you came home than Pepper. I felt terrible when I went off to college, I felt like I abandoned him. I knew I missed me too. All through college and even when I moved up to New York, he could tell when I was leaving. He would lay in another room and I would have to find him to say goodbye and I could tell he knew. Everytime I called home I used to ask how he was doing, especially as he got older. When no one answered the house phone I used to leave messages on the answering machine for him.

Right before I got married my family went to Cape Cod for two weeks. Since I had to use all of my vacation time for the wedding and my honeymoon, I could only go for the middle weekend. Since I refused to let Pepper go to a kennel, I took him for three weeks. It was nice to have him around all time again. As he got older, he could no longer leap from the back yard over the deck stairs and onto the stairs and even do the stairs all that well. He started this weird thing where all he wanted to do was lay in the backyard and he wouldn’t want to come in. Hearing about this of course always made me sad. One weekend we were visiting my parents and I let him out in the back one last time before I went to bed. He didn’t want to come in. I made T come help me bring him in. He eventually came in with him and came into the den to sleep under the pullout. He always slept there when we came to visit. The next night we were getting ready to leave and saying our goodbyes when I noticed that his eyes were really drooping and had lots of eye gunk, I freaked out and got really concerned. We went home and my mom called me the next morning at 7:30 and told me she was taking him to the vet because he had been up all night puking. I racked my brain and asked one of my co-workers (who is a dog breeder) what could possibly be wrong with him. My mom called and said she had to leave him there for more tests. I went to lunch that day at the local pizzeria with one of my other co-workers when my mom called again. I could tell she was upset and I was worried about what she’d say. As it turned out he was still throwing up and had cancer and it would be best to put him down. She cried as she told me and everything inside me died. I sat there sobbing in the middle of a pizzeria and didn’t know what to do. I was still at work, it wouldn’t be until 4 that they were going to do it and I couldn’t decide if I should go be with him.

As it turns out, I was too upset to keep working and went home early. I couldn’t stop crying. I decided it was too late for me to go home and I left my mom, brother and sister to be with him in his last moments. Parts of my hates myself for not going and being there for him and part of me doesn’t think I would have been able to handle it. I feel guilty for not going, like I failed him or something. I was two hours away and probably would have driven off the road for being so upset. I never wanted him to miss me or think I didn’t love him. I sat in the dark in my house for hours just sobbing. It was a solid four days of that. Every day the rest of that week I came home after work and sat in the dark and cried. I talked to my family a lot and we talked about him and cried together. I found all of the pictures I had. The first time I went home to visit my family was the worst. I didn’t even make it down the road. As soon as I turned on to our street I started crying. To walk in the door and not have him come running to me killed me. It took me a long time to be able to think about him and not cry. I can’t even really do it now. I’m even crying as I write this.

I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for not going home to him. I still don’t know if I did the right thing or not. What I do know is that I was there to see him before the end. I feel like he waited for me. Like he knew I would be there one last time. Every time I go to my parents’ I say hi to his box of ashes. I know that sounds outrageous, but I can’t help it. I know I’ll never get over him. I can never replace him. He was my first dog. The best dog. My best friend.

Pepper. ❤


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Happy Place


Last night I was not in a good space. I had an unmotivational conversation with my mother, was feeling like I’ve done nothing with my life, and wallowing in my brokeness and may
have cried a few times. This morning I still felt rather useless; doing things because I had to not because I wanted to. Then I had to go to my lesson. I realize that no matter how crappy I feel and how little I want to pick myself up off the couch. A trip to the barn always remedies everything.