Real Housewife of Rhinebeck

real world. real housewifery. or something like that.

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Maybe It’s Not My Time Yet

So I’m sitting at the lab waiting to do a pee test (at least that’s what I think I’m here for). As you know, I’ve been trying to get pregnant. (And build a house, buy a dump truck, new tractor, new car… all in the same year! Talk about stress!) Both of my sisters in law are pregnant, K with a girl and M with a boy. All along I thought I’d get pregnant quickly (T’s family seems to be good at making babies) and me and my sisters in law could all be pregnant together. It would have been nice not to go through it alone since none of my close friends (which I guess limits me to quite a small number of people) are having babies.

I then accepted that not everyone gets pregnant right away. I’m in my fifth month of trying which is certainly not a period of time to get concerned with. I have been trying to deal with my medical issues and get them figured out in the meantime. I have been to the ENT and allergist and have a whole slew of silly allergies like mold, trees, grass, dust, dogs (I think I laughed in his face when he told me that), etc. He switched me from Claritan D to Flonase and Astepro. They worked for a bit and now I have switched back to Claritan D (without the doctor telling me of course) because my endocronologist said that Flonase and Astepro were category C drugs. Apparently Astepro caused miscarriages in pregnant rats. That does not sound conduisive to babymaking and since Claritan D is a category B drug I figure I’ll take my chances until I find out I’m preggers.

The thing that really concerns me is my thyroid and hormones. I’ve known for a long time that I have a thyroid nodule. Now I have three. The doctor says they’re very small and nothing to worry about. My blood tests came back with my TSH and thyroid studies at pretty much normal (the same while on the pill and now off). Now, however, my testosterone levels are slightly elevated. So here I am. I believe she tested me for PCOS but she hasn’t said anything about it. As far as I know I don’t have cysts on my ovaries, but I seem to have other symptoms. I guess we’ll have to wait and see. I have a feeling the road ahead may be a little tougher than we thought, but I’m still optomistic. I’m trying to stay positive but informed. T always tells me I work myself into a panic. I’m trying not to do that. I have enough stress with the house and all of the new equipment/bills.

I guess it’s not our time yet. Maybe it’s waiting for us to christen the new house! Here’s hoping!


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Wow, It’s Been A While…

Wow, it certainly has been a while! I guess I got lazy and life got in the way. I’m currently sitting on a stump watching T dig stumps out with the excavator. We may have been approved but we still haven’t had our closing. This whole process has been a thorn in my side. We had issues with the title search. The idiots at my inlaws mortgage company screwed up the info when they did the subdivision and ended up re-liening our property after T got his original loan. That took numerous calls and heated arguments to fix. Now we’re waiting on the Board of Health the stamp something for the building permits (even though the property has been BoH aproved since the subdivision). But nothing in life is never easy I guess. Silly me thinking I’d be moved in by 4th of July. One can dream I guess. I now have a more realistic goal of October.

On the pregnancy front, we’ve actually officially started trying. No luck as of yet. I had a complete meltdown when push came to shove. I completely freaked out and every fear I could have had got the best of me. My body’s going to change. I might puke my brains out for four months. I can’t ride. Labor is going to be painful. I might be a terrible mother. I cried hysterically and T told me to get over it. Which in turn made me more upset. It took a day or two but I got over it and feel like a normal person about it. Maybe it was going off my pills? I don’t know. That has kind of sucked by the way.

I’m still having my internal dilemma about not being able to ride/being pregnant. My barn just got a new horse today and the show season has begun. I always feel like I’m going to miss out on opportunities. I’ve been trying to read up on riding while pregnant. I see that some people think it’s taboo but they seem to be people who have never been on a horse let alone been riding for 17 years like myself. Some people though seem to ride for quite a while and do all sorts of stuff. I guess I’ll just have to take it as it comes.

Hopefully I can get myself more into the swing of things and be a little more regular with updating. Oopsie.


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Everything Comes in Threes… Hopefully

So my SIL is pregnant again. (I don’t remember if I mentioned this or not). This will be her third child. Everytime I see her she asks if I’m pregnant yet. Besides wanting a niece or nephew I think she just wants someone to be pregnant with. I realized the other day that during both of her previous pregnancies she had friends that were pregnant at the same time. While part of me thinks it will be great to have someone to commisurate with, part of me wants to be selfish and have all of the attention.

Enter BIL. We just found out that my BIL’s girlfriend is pregnant too. Due exactly a month after my SIL. While I am slightly concerned, I’m actually pretty happy and excited for them. I never thought about my BIL having a baby now, much less before me. He joked that we better hurry up so we can have Novemeber, December, and January babies.

That being said, what kind of pressure does that put on me? I feel like I’m the last one to the party. I think I’m over the part of not being the center of attention (I will be with my family since it will be the first grandchild for my parents). I’m from a small family so I think it will be nice for our kids to have similarly aged cousins to be friends with. I didn’t have that. I have one first cousin. Yes, you read that right. One. He is seven years younger than me and they moved around a lot when we were kids so I didn’t see him much. T, on the other hand, has 22. Or was it 44? We counted once.

But what does that mean for me? Of course it doesn’t have to happen right away. I waited this long for a reason. What if now I’m ready and it doesn’t happen right away? Or course if I think like that it certainly won’t happen. But as the saying goes, things come in threes. But even if it doesn’t, everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.

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Does the Bank Take Payment in the Form of Hopes and Dreams?

I didn’t realize it had been quite so long since I had posted. When I started I was like oh, I’ll have plenty of things to write about! I have to say that the past two weeks haven’t been all that exciting. I’ve been too busy worrying about when we’re going to hear about our loan (it’s been two weeks since the appraisal, people, you’re killing me!), how I’m going to pay for all of the bills that seem to never stop piling up (this is when having a self-employed husband sucks!), and the looming (scary and exciting) trying to conceive. That, on top of all of the other things bouncing around in my head. I often wonder how I ever manage to get to sleep at night because my mind races so much.

The stress about the loan isn’t going to go away until the house is done, this I know. I’m dying to know if we’re approved or not. But once I find out it will only be a short reprieve. Once we get a”yes” we can order the house and that only takes six to eight weeks to build. So that means T has six to eight weeks to get all the excavating done and build the foundation. And what it really means is he has six to eight weekends to do it in. We can not afford for T to not work for two weeks to bang it out. If he doesn’t work then jobs don’t get done and we don’t get paid and I can’t pay the bills. Luckily, we have many friends who built things that didn’t fall down are skilled in trades of this type who will gladly work for free beer. So, theoretically, they should be able to get the work done in the allotted time frame, unless of course, they consume beer at the rate of 16 year olds (which is likely) and then we’re all doomed.

Once they’re done and the house gets dropped, I’ll have to impatiently wait to paint and move in. Hopefully, T will allow me to pick out things myself and then we don’t have to bicker over silly things like ivory versus eggshell. We’ll leave that to me and my mother. Of course that leads to other issues. I will have a house with nothing to put in it! We have unmatching bedroom furniture — we each have a dresser that are left overs from deceased relatives that we’ve had since college.  We have his sister’s old stained (stained like ruined, not stained like looks like fresh lumber) kitchen table, and his mother’s old scratched coffee table. The one nice thing we have is our couch. The one thing we bought with our wedding money (I have no idea what happened to the rest). But in our nice, new, much bigger place it will need a companion! Also, I will have a formal dining room. T tells me that if we host Thanksgiving or Christmas we can put plywood on saw horses. I am not amused.

I’ve also been fretting quite a bit when it comes to money. Who doesn’t? This is when I realize I am my parents’ child. While I am organized, efficient, and cheap thrifty  when it comes to our finances, like my father, when things get tight, I panic, freak out, and think we’re going to starve, like my mother. This creates a problem. I am at constant battle with myself. I look at my list and say, ok, it’s the beginning of the season, so it’s slow and it will be tight, but slow and stready wins the race. Then three hours later, I’ll look at it again and burst into tears, crying out how will we ever get all of this paid? The bigger problem with this is when it comes to T. He can not handle me when I am in crazy wife mode. When we sit down and have our “money chats” as I call them, I have to put on my cool, calm, collected business partner hat. Beligerent, sobbing wife hat does not have a place in the money chats. That hat makes its appearance and the whole thing goes to shit.

I will not get into the nitty, gritty of my financial woes, but I try to remind myself that we always manage to pay things and there are plenty of other people that are in the same boat or worse. But, having your own business is stressful and sometimes it makes me wish T just had a regular job and collected a paycheck every two weeks like me (except bigger, obvi). It’s hard when you get a check from a client and then you have to stretch it until the next one comes, which could be days, weeks, or months away. And you have to worry about taxes, insurance and all sorts of other bills. So on top of the taxes from 2011 that we have to pay, along with our other debts and monthly bills, we are trying to build a house. T likes to joke with me that my mother must have smoked crack while she was pregnant with me. At this point, I might believe him because why else would I be crazy enough to believe that we could do all of this and build a house. Oh wait! AND we want to have a baby! Wait, there’s more! T needs to buy a new tractor and dump truck! Are you fucking kidding me?! This is why we keep buying Mega Millions tickets (dammit, we didn’t win on Friday either!). Because I have BIG plans for theose millions. At least then I will be able to afford the taxes imposed on me. Otherwise, I have no idea. Why does everything have to be crammed into one year? I am not one who likes to borrow money or even pay a cent of interest, but sometimes I think there’s no other choice. I do not forsee how a house and a baby will financially allow us to get a tractor and/OR a drump truck without borrowing. And then I laugh because if we’re lucky enough to get approved for this loan, surely they will laugh in our face when we say oh wait, we want to finance a peice of equipment too.

Oh, and a baby. While I think I am ready to say, yes, let’s do this, it still scares me to death. I am on the baby train. I’m not sure if I am the conductor of this train yet though. If I woke up tomorrow and was pregnant, I would be overjoyed. But I tend to fret over and over about my big life decisions. But I make a big deal out of nothing most of the time. I have to micromanage everything (another trait of my father’s I thought I would never get. I always thought I was a go with the flow type of person. Turns out I was wrong). I have stopped taking my birth control. I even have an ovulation predictor chart (that I think I did for one day). But because I must read and analyze everything on, based on my last period, if I got pregnant now, my baby would have a due date of December 20th. Gross. No one wants a Christmas baby. Christmas is stressful enough as it is and then the poor kid would have to smush his/her birthday and Christmas into one month. Plus, winter birthdays suck because you can’t have fun outdoor birthday parties, like Slip N Slide.

Personally, I want a spring, summer or fall baby. My sister in law tells me it sucks to be pregnant in the summer. Again, I don’t like winter birthday parties. But alas, I listen to what my husband thinks is the voice of reason, him. He wants a winter baby because he will be home more in the winter, ergo he can help. Or at least that’s what he says. I also panic about what we will do with the baby since I will have to go back to work. My SIL And BIL are both cops, they work alternate hours, with the same days off. He is 8-4, she is 4-12. His sister comes and watches their kids for the lag time in the middle, but otherwise, usually, one of them is always home with the kids. We will not have this luxury. Well, I don’t really think 4-12 is a luxury, but you get what I mean. T and I both work during the day, he works basically from sun up to sun down and most Saturdays and even Sundays when necessary. I work random hours between 8 and 6 during the week and some Saturdays for most of the day. Who is going to watch our child? T says we can worry about this when the time comes. Shouldn’t we be worrying about this now?! I think so. My family lives two hours away, so they’re out. His mother often has to watch SIL’s kids and has her own little one as well as working in the summer months. I don’t like the idea of daycare all the time and frankly, if that happens, most of my paycheck will probably go to that.

On top of that, I constantly worry about what if we don’t get pregnant right away? What if I gain 80 pounds and can’t lose it? What if I have to go on bed rest? Or need a C section? Or puke every single day? Or something goes wrong?Or, or, or. I could go on for hours. How do I even know I will be a good mother? I like to think I will be. I’m a good mother to our dogs. But they are pretty self sufficient dogs. This is when the micromanager needs to get a grip and let things just happen. Actually, I need to let that happen in all aspects of my life. I know it’s going to be a bumpy road, whether it happens to be bumpy or I make it bumpy, I don’t know, but I know we’ll get there in the end. I hope.

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Barn vs Babies

Ahhh!! How nice to finally be able to get outside without a coat! I finally got back out and started walking again. It feels good to be out in the fresh air and being active. The roads I walk down are nice and peaceful, hardly any cars and there’s a nice lake I can walk by too. I saw a couple of swans today actually. And it’s not totally flat. There are flat parts, but a few nice rolly hills. It’s nice that I get out of work a little on the earlier side this week and thanks to daylight savings, it’s light out, so I can go out after work. I didn’t go all that far today as it’s my first day back and  T was home sick with a stomach flu and I have a tendency to get shin splints. Maybe my sneakers don’t fit right? Back when I was actually trying to lose weight I would do intervals of walking and jogging. I am not a runner. I never have and never will be, but I can jog for a stretch. I enjoy walking. I like being outside and hearing the birds and peepers and everything.

As much as I would like to try to lose weight, I just want to be healthy and more fit. It will help with my riding and help for pregnancy. My BMI is a little high, so if I could drop a few pounds before I get pregnant I’m sure that means that I could afford to gain more weight during the pregnancy. This is where I get conflicted. Especially at this time of year. It’s nice and wonderful and I just want to be outside. I spent my morning yesterday at the barn. I wasn’t even riding, I was just there, watching others ride, BSing with my trainer and I took my horse for a walk down the driveway. It makes me miss being there. The last few weeks I’ve only been riding once a week because I stopped my share board. Having a self-employed husband with a seasonal business and a winter with no snow all while hoping to build a house makes for a tight winter. I figured I’d stop my share board for a couple of months to help catch up on bills. However, I’ve been going to so many doctor appointments trying to figure out what my issues with my thyroid and allergies are (better to find out before I get pregnant!) and at $40 a co-pay for a specialist, you go through money fast when you have an appointment every week (or at least it feels like it!).

I miss being at the barn regularly during the week. Spring is coming (or here) so show season is coming. I’m on the show committee, so I’m involved with that. I get excited knowing I can ride outside pretty soon and work on all sorts of things. And then I remember we’re going to start trying soon. I want a baby. Believe me I do. I’ve always wanted one (or three) and it took me a long time to say yes I think I’m finally ready. T would have gotten me pregnant on our wedding night if I’d left it up to him. And I wrestled a long time with the fact that I’ll have to stop riding for, I don’t know, a year? I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. And over the last couple months I’ve decided I’m ready. But now the weather’s changing and I wonder how much I will miss. Is that selfish of me? Probably. I just don’t want to lose this part of me. I’ve been riding and at the barn since I was nine years old. I know it will only be maybe a year I won’t be able to ride and I can still be at the barn and visit and be involved, but I worry about afterwards. How am I supposed to balance being a wife, having a child and working full-time and still do something for myself? Not to mention afford, I of course have one of the most expensive hobbies. But it’s not just a hobby. It’s ingrained in me. I can’t imagine my life without it. I am not me without it. But I want a baby. We want a baby. I want to start a family, I want to be able to tell my parents they’re going to have a grandchild and tell my grandmothers they will have a great-grandchild. But I guess I will figure it out. I want my child to have something like that in their life too (hopefully ponies!). I’m always amazed at the woman who do this everyday. I know down the road I’ll figure everything out and it will all fall into place. I just have to bug out about everything up until that point.

For the time being, I can enjoy the wonderful weather and be at the barn as much as I can and take it day by day. I’m sure everything will fall right into place.

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Are These For My Horse?

I mean seriously? These look like pills I should be feeding to my horse. I understand that prenatal vitamins have lots of vitamins and minerals in them, but come on! I get it. I need to build up lots of good stuff like fish oil and folic acid and vitamin b12 and whatever the fuck pantothenic acid is to make a future smart and healthy baby. But who makes these?! Do they even pay attention to how big these are? I’m sure there are many dirty minds out there immediately wondering how these little pills are so hard to swallow. Hardy har har. Well let me tell you, this shit don’t go down easy. I have to drink about half a bottle of water to get each of these down. And we’re still months away from TTC! Then you have to take them during your whole pregnancy and then while breast feeding. So basically, I have over a year of taking these horse pills ahead of me. Oh and then after one comes two and then three. Couldn’t they have made these in like Advil size? I would gladly take four at a time if they were smaller. Perhaps medicinal technology will come around before I pop out numero uno, but until then my husband should practice the heimlich.